JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
The multiple water main breaks that occurred last weekend left Fredonia students to boil water before consuming it, as the water was contaminated. Prior to checking their emails, however, many students accidentally consumed the contaminated water by either drinking it or brushing their teeth.
At first, some of these students were feeling a bit sick and nauseous. Although the water is now clear and clean, some of these students have started to notice after-effects. Mutations include growing an extra appendage, whether it be a toe or a finger, as well as the discoloring of the belly button. Many students’ belly buttons have turned blue.
Probably the strangest effect of all, however, was the report of superintelligence. There are a few students with documented cases.
“I went to take my genetics exam, and I swore I was going to fail it. I had barely studied, but when I got it back, I got the highest score in the class!” one student told reporters for The Scallion.
A female student said, “I started to have a tingling in my fingers, and all of a sudden I knew all of the answers to my professor’s questions in class. I had the urge to raise my hand and I answered every one, whereas normally I sit quietly and keep to myself. After class my professor asked what had come over me, and instantly I started talking to her about the theory of relativity, which I would normally know nothing about. Quite frankly, I was scared of myself.” Most of the other students did not want to comment. No one wanted to reveal their identity in fear of losing their newfound gift of superintelligence. How do we know they are superintelligent? We had them each take IQ tests to confirm the statement. However, one such student thinks that this superintelligence is only temporary and believes his is wearing off.
“I thought I didn’t need to practice piano anymore because my fingers could easily slide across the keys without making any mistakes. I didn’t study for my piano practical thinking that I would do just fine, but instead I mixed up a few of the keys,” he said.
Therefore, since this effect seems to have a time limit, LoGrasso is urging professors to postpone exams until we can confirm that all students have lost their superintelligence as it is putting them at an unfair advantage in class.
After all, it’s not like these water breaks happen often anyway. Although, we at The Leader definitely wish that we had gotten a taste of some of that superintelligence.