Midterms are stressful and the work doesn’t stop. Unhealthy coping mechanisms are common on college campuses, and that’s why I’ve enlisted the help of Ken Evil, local stuntman, to compile this list of the top five ways to handle residual stress after midterms are over.
1. Skydive without a parachute
Six people have done it before, so why not be the seventh? If you can successfully survive a free fall without a parachute or other device, it’s the pinnacle of stress relief. You just feel so weightless and, when you’re laying on the ground with all of your bones broken, the only thing you can possibly think is, “Wow. This hurts. A lot.” It’s an elite club and you only get one chance, but you might just be among the lucky ones. If you aren’t, there’s no need to worry, because at least you won’t have to worry about registering for classes next semester.
2. Contact the literal Devil
Well, they don’t call him a daredevil for nothing. It’s very easy to contact the man downstairs and bind him to your will. Then you can literally dare the Devil and make him do anything you want. Want to test the weightlessness of a free fall and whether or not it’s survivable? Make him jump out of a plane. Want to get the apocalypse in full swing? Command him to have a child and get that Antichrist magic working. There are a couple of very serious hazards with this one, so don’t try it at home. Make sure you have your circle made of salt to protect you from the lesser demons. Don’t forget to anoint the binding circle with blood or he’ll just be awakened, not imprisoned and bound to your will.
3. Swim across the Pacific Ocean
Swimming the English Channel is boring, overdone and overrated. There is only one way to truly relieve your stress: do something new and interesting. Everyone knows a nice dip in the pool can be calming. The beach is the perfect place to tan and let your heart soar with relaxation. The approximate 12,300 miles of swimming will make your mind ready for a nice day at the beach. Throughout your journey, the fish pee, salt and constant threat of creatures from the deep will keep your mind off of your horrid midterm grades, stressful advising week and those pesky holds on registration because of unpaid tuition bills.
4. Call in a bomb threat at Thompson Hall
Nothing screams relaxation like committing a felony. You’ll never have to worry about midterms again because no college will want to admit a felon. The criminal record isn’t the only benefit, though. The prison sentence will give you plenty of jail time to calm those nerves and quiet the voices in your head. Bonus points if you cause a midterm to be cancelled and other students don’t have to go. Double bonus points if you call in two bomb threats at Thompson Hall in two weeks. Triple bonus points if you get at least eight police cars on the scene.
5. Nap it all off
Above all else, there’s nothing like spending a few hours in your dorm room decompressing. There’s no need to worry if you have a good, long nap. After every extreme stunt, Ken Evil goes back to his trailer and lays on the bed like a king, enjoying the peace and quiet of his own home. Curl up and catch some Z’s. You deserve it. Especially after advising week.