JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
Finals are closer than they appear on the calendar. In order to cope with long sleepless nights of migraines and confusion as students try to grasp material they should have grasped months ago, Calios has come up with a solution.
“Introducing the ‘Study Buddy’ to college students was a great idea,” said Doug Deeler, a valued Calios employee.
Now students will no longer have to struggle to read boring textbooks, have cramps in their fingers from hours of typing and writing or have aches in their hungry stomachs. Well perhaps the first two still, but definitely no more hungry stomachs!
The “Study Buddy” is what many college students are calling “the cure.” Stuffed with coffee grounds, Adderall and Red Bull, the “Study Buddy” is a steal at only $11. It is also available to be pounded for a dollar more. Not only will students begin to feel alive and energetic, but they will be focused and motivated to actually do their work.
Side effects include, but are not limited to: nausea, vomiting, jitters, twitching, quickened heart rate, heartburn, the squirts, heart attacks, suicidal thoughts, heart failure and death. If you experience any of these symptoms, you should probably go to a hospital because if you weren’t already dying from stress, you’re probably dying from caffeine-induced heart failure.
Please note that Calios will not be responsible for any damage that the “Study Buddy” might cause to your body. Also note that the “Study Buddy” in no way guarantees you a good or better grade, and only one is recommended per every three-to-five days.
So far, student reception has been relatively positive.
“I’ve never been more alive! I can see soundwaves and I think a I just heard a man cough in Algeria!” said sophomore Johnny Rocket, flushed in the
face and throwing around a 45 pound weight plate like a frisbee.
If you are struggling
with the stress of studying for finals try giving Calios a call! Their line hopefully will not be too busy.
Although, some people might argue that they
overcharge nowadays,
reminiscing back to when Calios used to actually be $6.50, what price would you pay for a heightened studying experience?
Calios would like to raise the question that although it might seem a bit of a gamble to try out the “Study Buddy,” you still might be subject to any of these problems or more without one! Good luck chowing down on the important stuff!