AMBER MATTICE
Managing Editor
We’ve all heard the saying “the good die young” and, in this case, it was almost true.
Hal Scallion, who came to The Leader not too long ago, was found half eaten and is currently in intensive care at the local veggie hospital. Gary Tomato, a witness to the entire ordeal, was obviously very shaken up by the experience.
“I was coming home from shopping and I turned the corner and that crazy freakin’ Oscar Onion was standing over Scallion shouting something about stolen identities or name-stealers or whatever,” Tomato said, his voice steadily rising in pitch. “It was horrible! How could a vegetable do that to another vegetable?”
Authorities suspect that the crime was committed because of The Leader’s recent satire section reboot. Alan Rutabaga, a police officer investigating the crime, was one of the first to make it to the crime scene.
“It was definitely a personal attack. There is no reason to suspect that the perpetrator would target any other vegetables.”
Despite this reassurance, many of those close to Scallion are outraged by the heinous act.
“Just because Scallion is distantly related to Onion and he got a new job as a section mascot doesn’t mean he was stealing anyone’s identity! Onion’s behavior is unacceptable and just plain terrible,” said Susan A. Brocolli.
Onion managed to escape the scene before the police arrived but was later found in his home. Reports said that the room was covered in The Scallion articles with a red ‘X’ through the logo on every page.
The crime is thought to have been planned over the course of many weeks as a result of Scallion’s new position at the newspaper.
In an interview with Onion he said, “I just couldn’t believe he would copy me like that! I have been the mascot of a satirical newspaper for YEARS and he just thought he could come along and do the same? I don’t think so.”
Onion was full of rage and did not show any signs of remorse for what he had done.
“There can only be one vegetable of the genus Allium working as a satirical mascot. I had to show him who was boss and, in case ya didn’t know, it’s me,” said the Onion, banging his weird vegetable fists on the table.
The police took him into custody upon finding him in his room and assured that he is facing serious time.
Scallion’s family did not wish to comment directly but said that he was in stable condition physically. Mentally, they are not sure what the ordeal has done but are sure he will make a speedy recovery.
Those of us at The Leader have made it very clear that Scallion is welcome back to his job once he has recovered and will take precautionary measures to ensure that he will be protected by all available Scallywags once he has been released from care.