JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
Monday, Nov. 6
A student was found trying to steal a clock from the bookstore. When asked why, the student responded that their clock now had the wrong time. The student was brought back to their dorm, where the RD showed them how to set back the time on their clock.
Feces was found in the pool in the Steele Hall Natatorium. Police took the specimen to the Science Center where it was tested for traces of DNA. The pool pooper, who has been identified, is now facing repercussions.
Tuesday, Nov. 7
A student was found lying on the ground, writhing in pain in the parking lot behind Nixon. He claims that he was attacked by “It” and was lucky to escape. UP is looking into finding “It” although they are a bit hesitant to pursue the case.
A group of students went together to cast their votes. After UP heard what the students were up to they caught them just in time, telling them they almost forgot their wands.
Wednesday, Nov. 8
A student was hit by a car at 8:30 a.m. in the Fenton parking lot. It turns out that it was her professor. The professor claims that it was an accident, but the student believes that her professor is out to get her.
Thursday, Nov. 9
A student was found singing off-key in Mason. Music majors reported the crime to UP who then proceeded to give the student a month’s worth of vocal lessons, free of charge.
Friday, Nov. 10
A student named Will Byers was reported missing. His friend Mike thinks that Will might be stuck in “the upside down.” A group of science professors are currently determining the plausibility of the statement.