EMMA PATTERSON
Assistant Scallion Editor
It was all hands on deck at the country’s busiest day-care center — the White House — this weekend.
The president’s aides were determined to do whatever they could to keep everyone’s favorite man-child, Donald Trump, away from everyone’s favorite psycho, Vladimir Putin, at the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) summit.
“Imagine being in charge of 50 kids who all want to go on the ‘It’s a Small World’ ride in Disneyland,” one of Trump’s aides told The Scallion. He dabbed at his sweating face with a handkerchief. “And then the ride breaks down, and you’re stuck there for who knows how long with 50 screaming kids,” He shook his head bitterly. “Except in reality, the kids are Donald Trump in a foreign country, and it’s up to you to make sure he doesn’t leave the ride while the vehicle is in motion.”
The most difficult part of their job is keeping Trump away from his longtime co-star, Putin, the human equivalent of a table corner in a house full of toddlers.
“It’s like fire when they’re together,” another of Trump’s aides said. She held an icepack to her forehead as she collapsed onto a sofa. “And I don’t mean, like, in a good way. I’m talking dumpster fire. The kind of fire that smells like death and burns all your hopes and dreams.”
The aides had to band together to keep the dynamic duo apart, eventually resorting to drastic measures.
“I didn’t want to have to do this, Donald, but you leave me no choice,” one of Trump’s aides said through the keyhole of the Oval Office, where Trump sat facing the wall and pouting. “You can come out when you learn how to conduct yourself around world leaders.”
“I think some really good things could come out of this summit,” the aide said, pushing a chair against the door leading into the Oval Office. “We just need to keep our little guy occupied until it’s over.”
However, despite the valiant efforts of the aides, it seems that love will, in fact, always win in the end.
“Where did we go wrong?” the aides implored, watching as Trump and Putin shook hands at the summit, a palpable chemistry sizzling between them. “If they’re acting like this now, what kind of adults are they going to be?!”