JACLYN SPIEZIA AND
AMBER MATTICE
Staff Scallywag and Managing Editor
Hollywood HR reps have been under fire recently for the sexual assault accusations against their clients. Just a few of the accused are Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Louis C.K., Andrew Kreisberg and Ed Westwick. One misogynistic HR representative said, “If they weren’t famous, they probably could’ve gotten away with it, but now look at all these women, who are just trying to ruin these men’s careers and MY career.”
According to a male source that wished to remain anonymous, most men feel that women are ruining their careers anyway since they are trying so hard to get equal pay.
“If women got an increase in wages, it wouldn’t be fair! If their wages get increased to a dollar, men’s should get increased by at least 22 cents.”
Sexual assault is not a new topic in Hollywood. In the past, influential men such as Bill Cosby, Woody Allen and Michael Jackson have had accusations made against them.
In response to the new accusations one HR rep said, “I mean, you can’t expect every person who is lucky enough to become rich and famous to suddenly also become a good person.”
Nonetheless, some HR representatives are fed up. Sick of dealing with clients that contribute to rape culture and the patriarchy, many of them are going on strike. Both men and women who have witnessed the harassment that occurs in the workplace by their representatives are no longer able to stand by.
“It’s disgusting! The gross bastards should learn the meaning of consent. A little respect for the other half of the human race is a pretty simple request, I think,” said Susie B. Antonio, an HR representative for Harvey Weinstein.
“I feel like I should have said something sooner but I was worried about losing my job. At this point though, I just want the dudes to get fired and kicked out of Hollywood. We’re asking for them to behave like decent human beings so like, why is that so hard to do?” said Tom H., another HR rep who wished keep his last name anonymous.
Some clients are suing their HR reps for leaving them in their time of need. HR reps say that in order to come back to work, they want the celebs to get a basic understanding of equality and to stop assaulting other human beings.
“I think this is all pretty excessive. They’re asking for a lot and, as their clients, I think we deserve to get a little bit more respect,” said Weinstein, turning to his pal and fellow abuser, Kevin Spacey.
“I hope this all blows over soon,” said Spacey, solemnly. “I could really use a coffee, decaf, with hazelnut creamer and two sugars.”