ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Scallywag
Finals week is upon us, and due to the outcry from last year, “Re-stress for Success” is back! Now bigger and better than ever before! In preparation for such an inspiring program, this writer has waited a whole 43 hours past deadline to begin this article. I am so stressed right now that the caffeine laced mania that normally takes hold after drinking a Red Bull and getting to work feels more like a meditative calm than an energy surge. I am not even sure this will make it to print! Was that a good idea? Hell no — but neither is making the decisions that have caused this event to exist in the first place.
I know what you are thinking: how can this year possibly be bigger and better than last semester’s “Re-stress for Success” program? Well strap in because what you are about to read is going to be wild.
Display of last year’s exam scores
In addition to displaying last year’s exam scores, the student also has the option to have a representative from the school call your parents with a simulation phone call. This will show you what is potentially in store for you if your parents find out how bad you have done this semester to motivate you to put in that last push during finals week.
Countdown ‘til finals week
Students and their parents will receive a text, email and phone call every hour reminding them they have come another hour closer to their final. In addition to this there will be a link at the bottom of every email that will give you an estimate as to how much time you have wasted based on the location of your FredCard as it passes door fobs. This way you can know exactly how much time you are wasting sleeping, eating and going to the bathroom for increased awareness.
Tuition Reminder
This year, the representative that will be traveling to campus to remind those how much they are spending on average to attend Fredonia, will not only have access to you 24/7, but will also have access to much more data. With a quick scan of your Fredcard they can tell you exactly how much your education costs! This information will give you a comprehensive print out receipt telling you exactly how much money it has cost you to partake in going to the bathroom and eating! For an extra two minutes they can take your breathing rate and tell you the amount each breath since stepping on campus has cost you.
Lock-in study-a-thon
This year, to increase productivity during the mandatory lock-in in the library, cubicles will be brought in to limit any social interaction. Any group studying will be limited to 45 minutes every two hours. We are offering 24, 48 and 72 hour options for students. Windows will still be covered and all timekeeping devices will be stripped. Last year the lack of food was also a bit of an issue. This will be fixed with mandatory IV drips to be installed to provide all the nutrients of a balanced diet.
Enhanced interrogation
This is actually the only program that has not had anything added to it. Just as before, professors will be able to get their frustrations out by torturing you by any means possible as
a result of not being able to answer questions about the content they have taught you. Be advised that, although nothing will change, a vast majority of professors are reporting to have done their homework in new and improved methods of torture. So be sure to know your stuff before this review session.
Good luck during finals, and don’t fret! If you do not know the answer, it’s always C.