GILCHRIST SHIPTON
Staff Scallywag
Hello! I am the resident psychic here at The Scallion and it is that time to make predictions for 2018. First, let us grab the low hanging fruit: the seemingly bottomless well of Trump news will not run dry this year (oh boy).
Alright, now that the political section is out of the way, time to get to the good stuff.
The weather will be extremely shitty due to global warming. It will be too hot or too cold depending on where you go. You will never be comfortable. This is only in the continental United States, of course, due to being the only ones not to sign onto the Paris agreement. This will cause the depleted ozone layer to actually move right over the center of the U.S. causing the rest of the world to see a reversal in recent climate trends.
Fredonia will continue to be in a state of transition for the entire year. As one building finally finishes renovations, construction
will have already started elsewhere on campus. This should not change the trend of increasing enrollment, however. At least Erie Hall will still remain a perfect place for a psychic to liv . . . er, I mean, it will remain a shell of a once thriving food spot on campus that is now as useful as a moldy storage closet.
In the world of sports, a very unlikely nation will make it uncharacteristically far in this year’s World Cup. This will, of course, follow another nation doing uncharacteristically bad in the Winter Olympics next month, and they won’t have nearly as high a medal count as per the norm set these last few games. This will mark the beginning of new eras in the sports world that will give rise to new dynasties and watch others who have seemingly not let time catch up with them crumble.
See you next month . . . maybe, when I will go into depth about what February will hold for the Fredonia campus!