PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Scallywag
With the recent rise in vegan population on Fredonia’s campus, top-tier locals have been coming out of the woodwork to share their greatest recipes. One man, who wishes to be referred to as Andy Oxidant, sent The Scallion a list of how to make healthy treats that will have you and your alcoholic, kombucha-chugging and environmentally-conscious roommate say, “bon appetit.”
Oxidant promised to deliver his recipes over a FaceTime call on the new iPhone X 256-gigabyte model, available in stores worldwide. Before Oxidant could indulge The Scallion correspondent, he gave more background information about himself than most could swallow.
“I’m the head trainer at the local Crossfit establishment because I’ve crossed a lot of people and I’m fit as hell! No, I’m kidding! I’ve reached ‘master’ status at Crossfit because I’m a diligent, hardworking super-dad that takes care of his family the best way he can,” Oxidant said, staring into the camera, his eyes bulging out of his skull. After a long diatribe involving interplanetary missions, Oxidant finally revealed his favorite vegan recipes and added the best ways to consume them.
Recipe 1: Vegan Frisky Bisky Biscuits
1 cup of flour
1 cup of low-fat milk
1 egg
2 teaspoons of happy tears
1 tablespoon of smiles.
Bake on a temperature of 420 degrees Fahrenheit and let biscuits sit atop a houseplant to soak in oxygen. Biscuits best consumed before sunset or after a passionate love making session.
Recipe 2: Easy & Sleazy Vegan Mac n Cheezy
2 cups elbow macaroni
½ cup of butter
3 cups cheese sauce of any variation
1 can purple yeast
Boil macaroni until tender as a salt lamp’s warm aura then add butter and cheese sauce. Stir the ingredients as if you’re stirring the kettle of mushroom tea for your squadron of festival goons.
Recipe 3: Big Fat Juicy Sirloin With Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
1 big fat 16-ounce steak
1 sack of potatoes
1 packet of gravy from Walmart
Take big, fat, juicy steak and throw it on the grill for around 20 minutes. Contemplate
how you got here and where you’re heading. Make sure to check on potatoes and gravy by submerging your entire hand in the gravy to see if it’s done. This meal is best enjoyed in a passive-aggressive way, in front of your roommates.
Oxidant’s recipes didn’t meet the official standards for vegan cuisine. Immediately after he delivered phony information he vanished into thin air, never to be seen again. After doing further research, authorities believe Oxidant to be the ringleader of the illegal smuggling of Crossfit members into the United States.