JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
Dank Glott was on his dorm bed, Lays chips squashed all over his green bed sheets, and he was laughing at a somewhat hypnotic poster on his wall for no reason. His roommate was out doing something “productive,” while he had decided to spend his night indoors “chilling.”
After he realized he had been staring at the ugly spiral poster for a really long time, Dank lifted his bowl and sneezed, mucous flying onto the poster. He decided to dab again and again, and what to his curious eyes did appear, but what looked like a genie flying out of the poster.
“Hey,” the genie said casually, as he sat down on Dank’s bed next to him. “What’s with all the Lays?”
Dank looked down and realized he had made a huge mess, but then forgot to respond to the genie.
“Bruh,” the genie looked at him, with his dark eyes that looked like chocolate cake.
“Uh, who are you?”
“I am THE GENIE OF 2016,” he sang out in a Disney pop culture reference type of way.
“Cool, cool,” Dank said.
“So what are your three wishes for 2016?” the genie asked him.
“Bruh, 2016 already happened, like a long time ago.”
“Well, if you could change something from that year, what would it be?” the genie asked.
Dank had to really think about this question. What happened in 2016? He sat thinking and then lost his train of thought.
“Well?” the genie pressed him.
“Oh, yah,” Dank took out his phone and Googled 2016. An image of Donald Trump appeared on his phone, and he was like, “I have one!”
The genie looked at the phone. “What about Donald Trump?”
“I wish he had lost the election,” Dank said proudly. In what seemed like a long time but could have been a few minutes, the genie repeated the wish, and all of a sudden a feeling of serenity and peace embraced Dank, and the dim light in the room became brighter, and he looked out the window to see butterflies fluttering past.
“Nice one,” the genie commended him. “What’s next?”
Dank decided he wanted to wish for something that would impact SUNY Fredonia. Dank’s stomach grumbled. “I wish they had renovated the food court in Willies,” he said.
The genie granted the wish, and Dank proceeded to get up. “Where are you going? You have one more wish!”
“To get some food quick,” Dank said. He walked over to Willies. There were new chairs and tables that looked comfortable, the walls no longer made it look like the seventies, there was an arcade and a pool table with some nice couches for students to leisurely hang out on. Dank walked over to the food court, and he was excited to see frozen yogurt was back, and the prices had gone down instead of up. Dank grabbed some fro-yo and headed back to his dorm.
“What great things I have done for the world,” Dank thought to himself. He decided his last wish would be for himself. But what was it that he wanted to wish for? Suddenly Dank decided, “I wish that I had gotten better grades.”
And with that, the genie granted his last wish. “Time to go, pal,” he said, and then floated back into his poster.
Dank fell asleep. When he woke up, he had Lays stuck to his face and drool on his pillow. He was excited for all of the new changes the genie had made when he read a note that said: “I forgot to mention, all changes are only good for 24 hours.”
Dank had accidentally slept the day away. Darn it.