PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Scallywag
In a daring move by the Fredonia Student Recruitment Office, there is a newly established degree students can pursue. Starting next year, incoming students will have their choice between the old and boring Bachelor of Liberal Arts & Sciences, or the new and refreshing Bachelor of Conservative Arts & Sciences. The Recruitment Office had much to say about the degree’s introduction.
“My own daughter, Esmerelda, bless her soul, got her Liberal Arts degree around 10 years ago. Can you believe where she’s at now? My couch. That’s where. After seeing in the news that other universities graduates had better success pursuing a conservative degree, I thought it’d be best for students to have another option on campus. Plus, it could diversify the population,” Margarita S. Ondeck said.
While the degree yielded positive results in southern states such as Missouri and Kentucky, other northern schools had trouble adapting to the requirements of the degree. Ophelius Zaminsky, who sounded hella chill, decided to reach out to The Scallion to voice his concerns over the phone.
“Brother, this new degree is total trash. Honestly, if you want your campus to turn into a literal giant spittoon, then be my guest. My girlfriend started putting in hog’s legs last week and we just had to break up. I admired her resilience and hardwork in trying to get her conservative degree, but man, enough is enough,” the chillaxed Zaminsky from a northern New York university said.
While Zaminsky was concerned about his girlfriend’s smokeless tobacco use, looking at the class requirements for the degree brought up a whirlwind of new concerns.
For instance, every class is only available at 9 a.m. Students who wish to partake in three day weekend benders will be displeased to rise the following Monday.
Instead of a simple and elegant pottery course to make plates and mugs, the course will be designed for students to build their own personal spittoons, regardless if they chew dipping tobacco or not.
Finally, one of the most alarming sections of the degree completion was the Get In a Fist Fight With Your Own Grandmother At the Dinner Table Over Political Viewpoints requirement. In this requirement, students must instigate their very own grandmothers into a full blown fist fight at the dinner table. Whoever wins is dependent on who is the better fighter.
Most members of the Fredonia collegiate community were outraged to hear about the requirements of the Conservative degree. Once people heard about the requirements, they took it to Twitter to get Fredonia to reverse their decision. The results were a success. The horrid idea of a Bachelor of Conservative Arts & Sciences degree was shot down. People roared and there is a scheduled riot to be held at the local Denny’s restaurant next month.