JACKIE SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
When Donald Trump decided to run for president, many people began waiting for him to trip on the thin ice he had already been skating on. That entertaining spectacle, however, has yet to happen.
Although it was originally thought improbable that he would actually become president, people also thought that the integrity of the representative of our country mattered. But really, why should it? Who cares about the reputation of the U.S.?
Donald Trump told reporters that he “thinks the U.S. sucks.” When he was subsequently questioned whether or not he loved this country, his secretary sent out a defense, “He loves how the U.S. sucks up so many resources.”
One time, Trump called one of his female employees “thick.” Although it was clearly intended in a sexual way, his supporters decided that it was actually just meant that the woman had “thick blood coursing through her veins.”
Never have so many new terms been added to the Oxford Dictionary. In fact, Trump is so proud that he has created a new culture that “beats around the bush.” Although, his supporters claim that that saying isn’t sexual either. Wait — I didn’t think it was sexual either until just now. Yikes.
Concerned parents should be worried about the lingo Trump is using and how it is affecting their children, but instead they too are somehow unable to see color on the coloring book pages. In fact, his vocabulary is littered with filthy words like “illegals” and “shitholes,” neither of which should be used in classrooms.
One child asked his father, “If Trump says it, then why can’t I?” Instead of saying “no” because it is inappropriate, like any sane human being would, his father instead said, “Oh Trump said that. Okay, you can officially say that now.” When we asked for a comment from the father, he said, “I just say the words that Trump says.”
“Do you even know the implications of what they mean?” we asked the father.
“No. Should I?” he asked sarcastically, and then chuckled.
We decided to see how Trump’s lingo was affecting the population. Statistics show that everyone’s expectations of how a president should act have been severely lowered, and therefore we are in danger of corruption. dvIn fact, one man recently tried touching Trump, and instantly died.
We are issuing a warning: be weary of Trump. You wouldn’t want to touch the lava that he is. In fact, we really are curious as to when he’s going to sink through that ice, especially since he keeps burning up reason. Stay tuned as we find out more.