MORGAN HENDERSON
Staff Scallywag
He’s armed, he’s ready to fire — and he’s teaching your children from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Monday through Friday. Meet Mr. Gunderson.
Gunderson is a kindergarden teacher at Fredonia Elementary School.
After recent events in America, Trump and his following have decided to arm all teachers K-12 in order to protect them against school shooters.
“That’s one way to go about it,” Thomas Smith, a parent of a Fredonia Elementary School student, said.
Mr. Gunderson is particularly excited about this new aspect of his job.
“I look forward to holding down the fort,” Gunderson said after his seventh beer on a beautiful Tuesday afternoon. “It helps get rid of the shakes, you know?” he said after a hardy swallow.
Mr. Gunderson has never seen a gun in his life. This may be due to the fact that he’s almost completely blind. He wears half-inch thick bifocals every day to correct this issue . . . when he remembers them.
“I’ve heard them in the movies before. They sound very effective,” he said.
Don’t let that worry you, though. All teachers will go through a mandatory three-hour gun safety course. It will be held for all Fredonia school district teachers the first Sunday of the month at 8 p.m.
“I’m excited to finally have control over my classroom,” Gunderson said. “I want to bring a new meaning to the term ‘learning target.’”
He hopes his hard work and protection doesn’t go unnoticed.
“I hope I get promoted to holding an RPG,” he said.
He thinks that it will help in the classroom in more ways than one.
“I mean, besides protection, I’m sure the kiddies will be scared into doing their homework while there’s a gun in the classroom. Not that I would ever threaten them, but it’s the implications, you know?” he said. “It’s just an added bonus,” he continued.
“Getting guns in the classroom has got to be the best decision we’ve made as a country,” Roger Austin, a Trump supporter, said. He does not have kids but ensures he cares very much about them and the United States’ future.
Guns out of the woods and into the classroom it is.