JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
Betsy DeVos is in disagreeance with the rest of society about the existence of children. The controversy started when DeVos was asked about her future plans as secretary of education.
When she responded, Betsy DeVos at first seemed confused, almost as if she had forgotten that she was, in fact, the secretary of education. It took a few moments, but once she remembered she started talking about how she plans to renovate school buildings, with each new building including a whirlpool, spa and personal chef. One person inquired about her plans for helping the children, which was when Betsy DeVos froze, and asked, “What children?” It turns out that Betsy DeVos does not believe that children really exist. She just thought schools were places for rich people to relax before they are gifted high paying jobs.
“How can you not believe that children exist? It’s absolutely ridiculous!” said Sarah Palin after giving a lecture about how global warming is really just a theory to market air conditioners.
“What about this picture of my children?” a congresswoman asked DeVos, showing her a picture of three beautiful kids.
“Those are midgets!” DeVos exclaimed. “Fake news!”
The world tried to figure out how to show DeVos that children do exist.
Someone else tried showing DeVos a picture of a little person and also a picture of children together to show her the difference. Her response? “Photoshop can’t fool me!”
It seemed like nothing was working that could prove DeVos was wrong.
“Don’t you have, like, four children or something?” one congressman asked her.
“Oh, you mean my accessories?” she responded, and pulled out a picture of her four children from when they were younger. “It’s so great that they have automatically individually modified throughout the years!”
Finally, one principal decided to invite DeVos to visit a school. DeVos was hesitant to accept the invitation, however. “I’ve never been to one, so I’m kind of nervous,” she revealed in an exclusive interview.
DeVos eventually accepted the invitation to prove that she was right, and that children are just myths from fairytales, like fairies and witches. Upon entering the school, sources report that DeVos immediately became uneasy seeing the cute, happy children running around and smiling. When a teacher asked DeVos if she intended to increase funding for the underprivileged, DeVos grit her teeth and responded, “You think I would allocate money to help these little monsters?”
After her visit, DeVos had come to a decision. “I will put money towards deporting those little shits and keeping schools, like the ones I attended, thriving—and with tennis courts. We should keep the money where it is. We wouldn’t want poor people to have it. God knows what they would waste it on!”