EMMA PATTERSON
Editor of The Scallion
Nothing quite illustrates the terrifying and nausea-inducing reality of adulthood like LinkedIn, the website dedicated to making the lives of thousands of inadequate man-children 1,000 times more stressful. But as the introverts continue to take over the world, (mwa ha ha ha), LinkedIn made the decision to launch a new website specifically designed for all the timid job-seekers out there: OnlyALittleLinkedIn.
“When I saw that LinkedIn created a sister website designed specifically for those who hated Heads Up, Seven Up as a kid, I was thrilled,” one Fredonia student said from the comfort of her dorm room, where she emailed us her thoughts about the new site. “I can’t stand the normal pressure of being a college student and getting a notification from LinkedIn every five seconds about connecting with some classmate I barely know who has way more accomplishments than I do makes the stress even worse. With OnlyALittleLinkedIn, I can only connect with people who match my accomplishment level. That way, I never have to come to terms with my inadequacy!”
OnlyALittleLinkedIn is designed for those who prefer small groups, planned interactions and predetermined amounts of stress. One of the site’s most popular features is its uber-specific job filtering system.
“Now, I won’t be inundated with job descriptions that say ‘expert,’ ‘consultant,’ ‘analyst’ or even ‘three-to-five years experience,’” one student wrote us via text message. “I can choose jobs that are specific to my ambitions, like ‘remotely-based car mechanic’ or ‘pizza whisperer with a sports management degree.’”
A representative from OnlyALittleLinkedIn detailed further the characteristics of the website that make it different from LinkedIn.
“To start, you won’t be unpleasantly surprised by an anxiety-producing notification in the middle of your Saturday game night,” he said during a phone interview. “OnlyALittleLinkedIn operates strictly during normal working hours, so your meaningful conversation won’t be thrown off by the reminder of impending adulthood.”
The site is also working to change the heart-thumping moment when you check your email inbox and see a message from a potential employer. All the emails it sends out have a smiley face and a non-threatening phrase in the subject line, like ‘Someone totally cool and not at all intimidating just responded to your application,’ or ‘Don’t be alarmed, your fifth grade teacher just connected with you and now she knows all of your minor accomplishments, but it’s okay because you know for a fact that you’re further in life than she probably thought you’d be right now.’
LinkedIn recently announced its plans for another new website, LinkedInToLove, which will operate as both a professional and online dating site for the perpetually needy.