ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Scallywag
It is officially that time of year again. Midterm grades are starting to sink in, winter is lasting a little too long and somehow all of your classes decided now is a really good time for you to earn the majority of your grade by having projects, papers, exams and practicals all in the span of two weeks, with many due on the same day!
One Fredonia student, however, has had a life-altering experience in the midst of all the academic madness. While cramming for exams three days in a row, the student found that on the fourth day around noon, the sleep-induced paranoia and extreme exhaustion subsided, and a new sensation took over. Pure bliss, clarity and clairvoyance far beyond any conceivable level imaginable washed over the student.
The student now spends most of their time preaching the ways of not sleeping, claiming that if they were to tell exactly how everyone could reach this state it would lead to many negative things, only disclosing that forgetting sleep is the first step.
Although studying and attending any non-mandatory classes are now things of the past, recent exam and quiz grades show that this student was able to get a perfect score on everything since they have forgone sleep.
A recent stress test analysis from Fredonia’s Exercise Science department reveals that this student who hasn’t been physically active in many years is somehow in peak physical condition with seemingly unlimited stamina; most tests had to stop as a result of the equipment not being able to keep up.
This revelation has already had some big impacts on campus. In the last three days, four grants have been secured by the student to catalyze the efforts on campus to revitalize and upgrade most buildings.
There has been a negative impact as well, it seems. As this student obtains more and more followers, it has become clear how extreme a feat it is to be able to ascend into this new level of Nirvana-like perception. On a hunch, Dr. Ferguson is taking genetic samples to see if there is anything unusual, but this process can take years if done alone.
In the meantime, more students are beginning to fail their classes. An unusual and probably attributable problem to the sleep deprivation is that all of those who have been in constant close proximity to the clairvoyant one have showed a dip in their cognitive, physical and social abilities. Even just sitting down with this student, I must say that afterwards I felt very drained and like I was in serious need of a nap.
The student did tell me they would only sit down and discuss the details with me if I mentioned in this article that they need more people to join them. In fact, helping others out is so important to the student, it seemed as if every other thing said by them was about needing more people to help. I guess it just goes to show that when you know everything, it is much more important to help others to such an extent that it becomes a need!
Edit: After sending this original article to them for approval, they insisted that I emphasize that they prefer “fresh students” who aren’t already drained.