PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Scallywag
One third of the members of the iconic tin men statue, situated on the incline between the Rockefeller Arts Center and the woodlot near Ring Road, has recently released an autobiography recalling prime events and encounters in his life. The tin man, Warren Conrad, delivered the autobiographical prose in shades of unimaginable emotion.
The autobiography entitled “I’ve Been Standing On Top of This Hill For A While, Could I Get a Chair?” opens with what it means to be a sculpture on a college campus in the 21st century. Over the course of the book, many feelings are expressed. Loneliness, in particular, was a feeling Conrad often had to endure.
“People would sit beneath me and do homework, look at the sunset and as time went by, send snapchats to their significant others. I wish I could have that. I wish I could photobomb their pictures even more, though. People used to have a lot of sex underneath me, too. After the internet happened, that kind of disappeared,” Conrad recalled.
After the release of his autobiography, Conrad instantly became a New York Times bestselling author. However, since Conrad is immobile, being permanently situated on the hilltop, he wasn’t able to sign autographs for fans.
When the sculpture gets a chance, Conrad enjoys a variety of different hobbies including staring into the distance for long periods of time, watching students trip and fall on their way to Thompson hall and re-watching episodes of the MTV hit show “The Hills.”
Fashion statements are made by Conrad on the daily. Various scarves of assorted colors are donned by the statue depending on the weather. For instance, if it’s cold out, Conrad wears a warm sweater. When the weather is warm, Conrad will wear a cute romper with a floral design.
No one knows what the statue will do or become in the next couple of years. What’s for sure is that the statue will not move because it cannot walk.