PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Scallywag
Fredonia marketing major, Peaches Maloney, recently made desperate attempts to try and become Instagram famous after breaking up with his beloved girlfriend Debbie McIntyre, who he used to date on-and-off for a five-year period in high school. “This will show her that I’m a real man, and I’m loveable,” Maloney said in-between insanely large hits of a Juul vape cigarette.
“I think he’s just going through a tough period. Breakups are never easy. His strategies at marketing his personal brand have been successful so far. I’m rooting for him,” marketing professor Lewis Shandling said, standing a little too close to oncoming traffic in Hannah Montana-brand flip flops.
Before starting his new Instagram persona as “Mad Money Maloney,” Maloney used to post pictures of random things on his account. These pictures included paper towels, katanas, cute cat pictures, “really cool” cans of Monster energy drink and selfies of himself donning apparel by Ed Hardy. The new account presents a whole new can of Peaches.
“I’m selling your curling iron for a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos at the gas station if you don’t let me ride my dirtbike in the house!” Maloney screamed to his Auntie Cheryl in a front facing video posted last weekend. The video, among others, highlights one facet of Maloney’s particular brand: engaging in heated unnecessary discourse with family members. Those who follow the Instagram account are already fed up with the antics.
“At first I kind of thought he was cute. Like, he had this dad bod thing going on with this ‘dead inside’ kind of look. Now I hate this guy. I get a notification every hour on my phone when he goes live on Instagram. I wish someone would wake me up from this nightmare,” Yolanda Parks, a freshman, said.
Many followers of the account have voiced their concern regarding Maloney’s desperate grabs for attention while using Instagram’s live stream service. The concern mainly revolves around Maloney’s preference for evacuating his bowels while streaming.
“It’s like, bro, I’m trying to eat a tuna fish sandwich and this dude is on the toilet ripping hits from his Juul. Enough is enough,” Mike Polizzi said, while benching his scrawny roommate.
Maloney continuously gets banned from using his account but somehow finds a way back. His latest post highlighted the emotional turmoil of losing his “star-crossed lover” Debbie McIntyre by way of a picture of the couple with the caption that read “Give me another chance, baby. You’re mine forever.”
McIntyre, who was reluctant to give an interview, commented on the post, saying “go to hell.”