MORGAN HENDERSON
Staff Scallywag
The FBI searched Michael Cohen’s hotel room a few days ago in search of evidence that he bribed people in the sex industry for Donald Trump. They found more than the evidence they were hoping to find.
On his bedside table they found pornagraphic magazines from the ‘90s. Certain women had circles on their faces and half those women had check marks as well.
There were also packages lining the walls. There were no addresses on them yet but the FBI says they contained Gucci bags and Louis Vuitton shoes.
Perhaps the most disturbing thing they found was when the FBI went to search under Cohen’s hotel room bed. An FBI agent said, “I will never forget that face.”
They also found a wise cracking troll. Reportedly he is on deck at all times to harass America when Trump and Cohen simply aren’t satisfied with how many tweets they can produce or how many porn stars they can pay off.
When the troll was questioned, he said, “You’re attacking America,” and “You’re all a bunch of flunkies!”
Trump responded with something similar. People are beginning to wonder who is the real mastermind behind his tweets.
The troll was found with notes of insults that could potentially be used in future tweets. For longer tweets he had a Madlib format ready to go.
He ended up being a key witness in Cohen’s case. When the FBI asked the troll where Cohen’s important files were located, he responded with “Everything’s on his laptop, the password is WRONG69.”
After he attempted to hide one of his biggest secrets from the FBI, Cohen’s most influential client came out of the woodwork, Natasha Bedingfield. And the rest is still unwritten.