JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
The newest member of the White House is . . . wait, you won’t be able to guess who it is! That’s because it is Mr. Krabs, a goddamn fictional character! When real people are not to trust, Trump decided he’d stop “draining the swamp” and start draining the fictional sea where SpongeBob lives in a pineapple.
Trump knew that Mr. Krabs would be a suitable worker since he has also been running his own business for quite some time. At the Krusty Krab, Krabs is in charge of finances and keeping the Krabby Patty formula a secret. That definitely makes him qualified to account for federal money, since it’s not like he would take any for himself. After backlash against his decision, Trump reasoned that Krabs’ stinginess would prove to be helpful to ensure the U.S. wouldn’t spend money on unimportant things like education and would instead focus on giving tax cuts to people in the top one percent of wealth in the U.S., and things of the like.
Some people are calling Mr. Krabs a crustacean out of water, as this is his first time on land, but Trump disagrees. “You’re wrong; he’s actually a fish,” Trump tweeted in defense of his new treasury secretary. However, Mr. Krabs did send out a tweet saying, “Well, I’m actually a crustacean, so they aren’t wrong,” and Trump replied, “Okay, so . . . you’re a fish.”
Akin to President Trump, Krabs doesn’t keep his money in the bank because he doesn’t trust the IRS to file his tax returns. Instead, Krabs has been tracking the money by keeping it all in the safest place he knows of: under his mattress. It may be a little bit uncomfortable, but Krabs doesn’t seem worried about his back.
In an interview, Krabs said, “a pain in my back is the least of my worries here in this white jungle.”
Wait . . . our interview has been cut short, as we are being told, along with Mr. Krabs, that we must immediately leave the White House. It’s just that we are having a difficult time finding our way out.
“Well, we’re sorry that you were fired, Krabs. We guess that you should’ve cared more about watching your back afterall,” We say to him as we stare down Trump outside the White House, his fence acting like a wall between us. But we still are watching him through the cracks.