JACLYN SPIEZIA and ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Scallywags
This year during Study Week, formerly known as Dead Week, there will be a new feature at the library. Yes, you heard me right. Now introducing sleep pods! Now, you can destress as you feel your blood turn cold and body decay in yet another expensive and unnecessary feature this campus has been yearning for.
Walking across campus during Study Week, you will feel alone and isolated looking around to see no one in sight. As your eyes grow weary of staying open and your body shivers cold in the global warming heat, your migraine becomes so commonplace that you forget why you’re having trouble remembering the information you just learned three hours ago.
When this happens, it means your body is ready to die but it’s Study Week, so you need to stay alive. So instead, why not simulate death! Dying is so calming; researchers say that it is an eye-closing experience, and that everyone should get to see what it’s like at least once!
After receiving a small loan of one million dollars, like the president of the US had from his father, our campus decided that this machine was a necessary tool for campus-wide mental well-being.
Since its installation on campus, many students have had positive experiences in them. Just hear what Joe Shmo had to say: “I couldn’t feel more alive. I don’t know what happened when I died, but now I feel like a whole new person. I think I’m going to actually pass my finals this year!”
You heard it here first! Interested in destressing? Go use the new sleep pods and die for a little!
“Walking across campus during Study Week, you will feel alone and isolated looking around to see no one in sight.”