PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Scallywag
Few things in Fredonia are certain. There’s a wonderful academic atmosphere, $3 wells at BJ’ws on Saturday, fist fights over vegan chip dip and Fred Fest.
Fred Fest grants an opportunity for students to let loose (and maybe catch a charge in doing so). This year, local homeowners are on edge more than ever as they prep for the incoming wave of destruction and all around good times.
“Last year a squadron of frat boys literally destroyed my home Fortnite-style with pickaxes and all. They didn’t get any of my loot, though, because I hid the treasure chest underground,” technologically savvy and evident time traveler Margaret Wilson groaned. Wilson’s husband was fortunately out of town on business but chimed in with his two cents.
“If those kids ever come on my property again, I’m gonna kick each and every one of their asses. I got a fresh pair of Tims to stomp the evil out of these hooligans,” loving husband Brian Wilson added.
This violent and defensive mentality is rampant for local Fredonia homeowners that have the displeasure of facing the hordes of students moving from one house to another in search of booze, games and cat fights. One local man had a brilliant idea to ensure nothing on his yard was compromised.
“Last year there were a bunch of dudes and gals on my front porch just kicking it and soaking in the sun. There was puke and bodily fluid left all over the place once they left. This year I’m dressing up as Pennywise the clown to scare them off my lawn. I’ll attempt to haunt their dreams for the rest of their collegiate existence,” Guy Mann said.
The Fredonia Police Department has already issued the coveted “Hot Tub Watch Your Back” statement for the upcoming fest. The statement warns homeowners of the destruction that’s soon to come, and stresses the importance of hiding your hot tub, in case students try to engage in “tactical brews in the jacuzz.”
“I think those bastards engaged in tactical brews in the jacuzz last year in my hot tub. I was more than livid. I’m definitely gonna be packing the heat this year,” Donna Denali said, while loading her BB gun.
Reports have local homeowners believing that Fred Fest will be “much more chill this year,” however, this is most likely not the case.