PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Scallywag
In the wake of a devastating semester to the student body GPA, there have been multiple deals with Lucifer himself in order to increase what has been perpetually lowered throughout the semester. A couple students have made the brave decision to tell their stories on just what led to their horrible GPA and what the Devil received in the deals.
“I was super into the first Rugrats movie on VHS. Like, all I did in my dorm this semester was watch the movie while role playing as Tommy Pickles, diaper and all. You could say I lost track of my classwork. Thank God I made the deal with Lucifer to increase my bottomed out GPA,” sophomore Tim Harrison said via high-end text-to-speech technology. Harrison was reluctant to discuss the bargain, but we all knew what was going on. The Devil had removed his larynx, rendering him unable to speak without technological assistance.
Many students suffered from a low GPA due to circumstances that were more common and less specific as Harrison’s.
“I straight-up didn’t go to class. The idea of a classroom is basically a dictatorship. We gotta sit there and listen to some lady or man that has themselves a degree spew some garbage out their cake holes? Lemme ask you: What is that degree really worth, man? It’s just a piece of paper,” Jared McEdgeLord said, burning a dollar bill.
After McEdgeLord gave his interview, he fully admitted that he made a deal with the Devil to appease his mother and “dumbass” stepdad Chet. The terms of the deal entailed that McEdgeLord must give up chasing scene girls and making $5 from drinking Bud Light off his roommate’s butt-crack.
When deals were said and done, Lucifer packed his bags and traveled to the next college campus, eager to make more GPA deals. Multiple parents and caregivers of the young adult students have decided to sue the Devil. Parents are suing since the Devil didn’t comply to the terms of the deal. Ultimately, half of Fredonia’s student population has been kicked out of school for horrendously low GPAs.