EMMA PATTERSON
Editor of The Scallion
A disturbing but otherwise entertaining series of events has resulted in President Donald Trump accidentally reuniting with his long-lost twin brother, Donald 2, at summer camp. Though their relationship was initially bumpy — “The guy dumped chocolate syrup all over my head,” Donald said — they became best friends once they realized what they had in common.
“I have a ripped photo of Kim Jong Un on my nightstand,” Donald said, his mumbly and just-can’t-form-a-real-sentence voice similar to Donald 2’s, except Donald doesn’t have a British accent. Donald 2 had a similar ripped-up photo of Moon Jae-in. The truth finally came to light when Donald 2 thought it would be smart to push the two ripped-up photographs together. Donald had gasped and said, “Donald 2, we’re like brothers!”
“No, Donald,” Donald 2 had said. “You and I are like . . . twins.”
Somewhere, far off in the distance, sirens blared.
The two decided to cause some double-trouble by scheming to get North and South Korea back together. As for why they want North and South Korea to get back together, the twins “just want everyone to be happy again. No threats, no fights, no incriminating videos, no nuclear wars,” they said as they practiced their new and elaborate secret handshake involving dancing and hip-bumping.
“This is the goodliest plan, the greatest plan,” Donald said before staring at deli meat for a good 10 minutes. “We’re gonna pretend to be each other. Trust us, we know what we’re doing.”
“I don’t think they know what they’re doing,” one concerned camper said, shaking his head. “I mean, Donald has the crappiest British accent I’ve ever heard. No one is going to fall for this.”
It looks like literally everyone fell for the world’s most unbelievable trick orchestrated by a 70-year-old man-thing and his sort-of-British twin brother. Still, according to recent tweets from “President Donald Trump” (Donald 2), the plan is not working as well as they had hoped.
“This whole Russia thing is totally out of control!” Donald 2 whispered over the phone to a very lost and confused Donald, who was wandering around London looking for Moon Jae-in and a very sassy Simon Kunz. “I can’t do this anymore,” Donald 2 said. “We have to abandon the plan.”
“Just keep firing people,” Donald offered as a solution. “No one will ever suspect that you don’t know what the hell you’re doing if you just keep firing people.”
No word yet on whether or not Donald and Donald 2 have switched back, but they are in talks with Disney for a movie deal.