JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Guest Scallywag
As we, the freshmen, arrive on campus and make our way through several new classes, activities and clubs, we’re given many different tips and advice on how to survive our four year college experience. While a lot of this advice sounds nice, a lot of it is faulty stuff that will trick us into making simple mistakes that put a hamper on our experience.
Today, I’m going to educate you, yes YOU, the sophomore, junior or senior reading this article, on how YOU’RE wrong! I’m also going to teach the freshmen, who unfortunately were unable to see through the lies of the upper classes, how those crafty upperclassmen managed to trick us. They think we’ll latch onto any advice they give, but we’re smarter than that, we know it’s all false. So put on your tinfoil hats, and let’s start analyzing some lies.
1. Get to know your professors. This is a blatant attempt to get us to embarrass ourselves and annoy our new professors. As a freshman who has no experience whatsoever with professors, I like to think I can get in the mind of my professors. Let me just get in the mindset of a professor of say, philosophy. I worked six years getting my Ph.D. in philosophy, and an undergrad is trying to make small talk with me? Back off buddy, High IQ Joe with a Ph.D. in philosophy doesn’t have time for your simple minded, loquacious babbling. I know stuff, like big words and looking scary in lecture halls! — Woah, that was strangely empowering. Sorry if I scared any of you there. If only I was smart enough to get a Ph.D. in philosophy.
2. Get involved. Ugh, it pains me even typing it. They lie to us, saying we’ll meet our life long friends in “activities” and “clubs,” but we all know we make our life long friends from orientation icebreakers. No need to get involved, I’m best friends with Paul, who speaks German as a second language and has four cats (wouldn’t have known this without icebreakers!) I mean, just ask someone you know who’s gone to college. They’ll tell you all about that time that one kid with eight siblings was the only one left in the circle, or when Miranda said her favorite thing she did this summer was go to Cedar Point.
3. Make sure to give your family a call now and then. Remember moving in, the tears on [Fill in legal guardians name here]’s face? Well, sorry to break it to you, but it was merely an act. See, as soon as [Fill in legal guardians name here] left, they called [Fill in local fitness center here], and they’re going to convert your old room into their unused fitness room. They were just waiting for the day you would finally leave so they could impress their friends by occasionally opening the door and saying stuff like “Yep, I work out in here,” and then closing the door and not opening it again for weeks at a time. So don’t bother giving them a call. If anything, send them a letter with a note that says “I think you should work out,” then maybe they’ll actually use it.
4. Go to every class. This advice is the most crafty I’ve seen so far. You see, class is merely an excuse for teachers to use up our notebook space and our Google Drive memory. Everyone loves the smell of a new notebook, or the freshness of an empty Google Drive account. The upper class wants us to ruin that with “notes” to take away that satisfaction. Remember, all of what’s taught in class can be found on Wikipedia. So don’t bother going, catch that extra 20 minutes of sleep in the morning; you deserve it!
5. Keep track of your spending. Don’t worry about money. College is about having fun, and money should always be the last thing on your mind. Don’t let those mischievous people at FSA convince you otherwise. Have a bit extra money from your student loan? Buy that extra large speaker system that won’t fit in your dorm, it’s worth every penny. Your future self will thank you for the awesome new TV that broke after Rob (the jerk) threw that Wii controller at it when he lost in “Smash” to Jiggly Puff.
Now, this list is a little short, but there’s plenty of other garbage that the upperclassmen will tell us. Make sure you’re aware of the fakes. They’re around every corner. College can be scary, but I like to think us freshmen have a pretty good grip on the ins and outs. Good luck to my fellow freshmen in the upcoming year!