Dear Fairy Godmother,
My mom always told me that the friends she made in college were the friends she kept for life. I’m a freshman this year so I was really hoping Mom’s wisdom would prove to be true, but I’m starting to doubt it. I live in a suite because I thought it would be an easy way to make friends. The girls I live with were nice at first, but they’ve started to get kinda pushy, and thanks to that I haven’t been in a very good mental space lately. They make me feel bad about hanging out with anyone other than them. I guess my question is: do I have to be friends with my suitemates?
Please help,
Letting Mom Down
Dear Letting,
Darling, you are NOT letting your mother down. In fact, you’re not letting anyone down. You need to prioritize your mental health before thinking of anyone else, even those harpies you live with. There are two ways to deal with this situation, and you’ll have to choose which one will work best for you. The most straightforward approach would be to talk to them directly and air your grievances. However, if they’re as vile as I get the feeling they are, take matters into your own hands. What is your favorite animal? If the answer is something small that you wouldn’t mind living with, I have a spell you might find quite handy. Most of all, though, remember that you owe nothing to anyone.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
My roommate is a disaster. He leaves food out all night and never cleans his piss off the toilet seat. Who gets to college and still can’t make it in the toilet? Anyway, he’s driving me nuts, and I was thinking of switching when his parents emailed me. They said a lot of stuff about how he really likes rooming with me and they appreciate how I’ve “gotten him out of his shell,” but also that they understand that he’s a handful. These rich WASPs offered to pay my housing bill if I keep being his roommate. I feel bad that they have to buy their kid a friend, but come on! Should I accept it, or just move out?
Please help,
In Need of Dough
Dear Dough,
Take the cash. Finesse your way out of loans and make this kid your best friend. Who needs a little voice in the back of your head telling you what’s “best” when you have me telling you the truth. Make me proud.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
I live in Igoe Hall and I swear the ghost is real. I hear him whispering at night and the loud footsteps keep me up. My roommate thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not. Should I burn some sage and pray, or do you think it will be ok?
Please help,
Anti-Paranormal
Dear AP,
The first thing I will recommend is to purchase a Ouija board. This ghost obviously wants to talk to you and is having difficulties, so why not throw him a bone and help from your side? Once you have the board, make sure to use it alone in a dark room. You don’t want the ghost getting scared. During the conversation, make sure to ask direct questions about how it died and other such things to test its honesty. Finally, don’t bother saying goodbye at the end as manners are lost on spirits. Have fun!
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
Is it theft if someone keeps something I lost? I only ask because over the weekend I lost a shoe at a party and one of the guys refuses to give it back. It was stupid in the first place to go to a party thrown by that fraternity (you know the one), but all my friends wanted to go and I like to tag along. I got really wasted and ended up losing one of my shoes before my friend carried me out. I’m a mess, but I’d like my shoe back. The guy said that keeping it reminds him of our magical night together? All I remember about that night is running out at midnight. He’s a weirdo. How do I get my shoe back?
Please help,
Ella
Dear Ella,
Do not under any circumstances let this guy convince you that his motives are romantic. He wants you for one thing and one thing only: your feet. Yes, I know this seems odd, but there are strange men out there who get off on dainty little feet. If the shoes are expensive, go to a higher authority. If not, just leave it. Men like him can’t be shamed, so they’re invincible to most forms of argument.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother