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School Administrators use witchcraft to resurrect Fredonia founders

AMBROSE BIERCE

Former Journalist

 

On the night of Sept. 12, the moon illuminated the immobile figures on Three Man Hill. Beneath their gargantuan feet, a taboo ritual took place to resurrect the great founders of the State University of New York at Fredonia.

This year marks the second annual Founder’s Day, a day to commemorate some dead people who founded this school, or something.

“This year, we wanted to add a little bit of an extra flavor to this new Fredonia tradition,” said President Virginia Horvath, whose face was half obscured by a menacing cowl. “I have to admit, this witchcraft stuff is pretty fun.”

After lighting the last candle and saying the magic words, a blinding light shot down from the heavens, revealing three ghostly apparitions.

“It was quite the sight to see,” said Cedric Howard, trying to disguise his voice with a graveled tone. We definitely knew it was him, though.

The chosen individuals for resurrection were Jesse Hillman and Joseph Allen. Needless to say, the duo were not too happy to be brought back into the daunting existence we call life.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I get the first chance to sleep for almost 200 years and I get woken up because some kids want to meet me? Take me back, cast a spell to take me back,” said Allen.

Meanwhile, Hillman was glad to be back, but not too happy to see his legacy on the campus.

“So, you’re telling me that I built this music program from the ground up and all I got was a stupid opera named after me? Honestly? How ridiculous,” he said.

Hillman and Allen released a joint press statement the next morning, stating that they will not be attending Founder’s Day despite being summoned for that sole purpose.

According to the press release, Hillman and Allen will be “making friends with Jimmy Igoe” if anybody should need them.

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