Dear Loyal Readers,
This week ‘tis I writing you the letter as a nice change of pace. I’ve come to learn that many of you are first years as most of the questions I receive pertain to the transition into academia and communal living. Well this week I’m going to do you the honor of imparting some words of wisdom regarding the changing of the seasons. It’s pumpkin spice season, bitches!
With the beautiful leaves and rapidly approaching deadlines also comes chilly weather. Thanks to abundant climate change we’ll probably be watching it fluctuate between 90 and 50 degrees for the next few months but nonetheless you must be prepared for the cold. When going to wreck yourself at BJ’s or get down and dirty at Sunny’s, please ensure that you dress for the lowest expected temperature. Exchange your strappy heels for some thigh-high Thot boots and keep those legs warm. Seeing as this is Fredonia, also be careful to plan for occasional instantaneous rain and typhoon-level wind. Basically prepare for anything and you will never be caught unawares.
Gone are the days of bringing vodka-laced lemonade to class: we now welcome the season of whiskey-laced apple cider. When spiking any warm beverage, make sure to mix thoroughly to prevent any separation or uneven taste. Take care to match your spirit with the appropriate vehicle as well; Bailey’s in hot chocolate is excellent, don’t try to reinvent the wheel. As always, enjoy responsibly and make sure you walk to school that day. I fully endorse all sorts of debauchery, but driving under the influence doesn’t fly with this fairy.
Halloween is coming up in little more than a month, so start planning now! Everyone is going to be dressed as a sultry Trump or offensive racial stereotype, so plan early in order to stand out of the crowd. I would recommend a costume that invokes thought and is subtly scary. A few concepts include the following: an empty bank account, the ghost of Mac Miller, a gun-rights activist attending an art school and anything else along the same lines.
Autumn is best spent with friends. Don’t let deadlines rule your life and prevent you from making the most of these few years. Go pick apples and pumpkins, go for walks to see the leaves, make memories you’ll keep for the rest of your life. School is important, of course, but you won’t remember the grade you get on that sociology assignment ten years from now. Gather those who mean the most to you and have fun. Winter here on the cusp of Lake Erie is hellacious, so enjoy things now before “Snowvember” makes a dastardly return. Have an extra glass of spiked cider for me.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother