TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Editor in Chief
It was a quiet Thursday evening. All was calm until everyone’s phones made a collective ring. What followed was chaos in the streets of America, with citizens using various ways to rid themselves of their eyesight.
FEMA has been working on a system that would allow President Trump to send out an unblockable mass text to the cell phone of every American. While the initial test has been delayed, that didn’t stop the President from sending out an unflattering image to the American populous: a little orange tallywacker garnished with gold shaving all over, caption “Come and get it you golddigger.”
“I did not need to see that ever in my life,” said New York resident Dick Johnson right before sticking his head into a bucket of bleach.
The Scallion reached out to people familiar with Trump to confirm if the phallic photo is indeed his. His current and former wives refused to comment, while Stormy Daniels replied to our request for a comment with “What did I tell you?” and attached a GIF of a dancing Toadstool.
Injuries from chemical burns to impromptu eye removal surgery have been reported from coast to coast. In response to the chaos and death resulting from his crotch region, President Trump issued a tweet, stating: “C’mon everyone, it’s not THAT bad. It’s actually THE BEST. At this rate, unemployment and poverty will go way down. What about Hillary’s emails? #MAGA”
While the image was one nobody ever needed to see in their damn lives, some people are chalking it up as fake news.
“President Trump has too much class to be sending people pictures so tasteless,” said Billy Hill, relaxing outside of his trailer park home wearing overalls with no tee shirt underneath. “This is all just a George Soros conspiracy to bring down the greatest president to ever grace the White House, and that’s a fact.”