JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Staff Scallywag
Friday, September 28th, 2018 — At approximately 3:56 a.m. more than 3,000,000 people were watching a live stream of the snow pile outside of Dods Hall as it slowly melted. The Fredonia Curling Team was wide awake and surrounding the pile during the stream, offering words of encouragement to the pile as it slowly melted.
“It’s really an incredible sight. A great way to show the ending of the 2017/2018 winter season.” Coach Dunkless said. Many of the team members were chanting “GO, GO, GO!” as the night went on.
Almost seven months after the snow pile reached its peak from Zambonis and snow plows, it finally melted away.
The snow almost didn’t melt naturally however. On April 24 at 3:54 p.m. a student attempted to make the snow melt faster by breathing heavily onto it. Police officer Lionel was quick to the scene.
“I saw on our 24/7 livestream footage of the snow pile that a student was trying to make it melt quicker by breathing heavily onto it,” Officer Lionel said, “I immediately ran to the pile and tackled him to the ground. Makes me sick to my stomach seeing criminals like him, I just hope he’s in the slammer for years to come.”
Craig Clammm, 19, the offender of the crime, now speaks from his prison cell, “It was just asking for it. I could practically hear the snow yelling at me ‘BREATHE ON ME, BREATHE ON ME!!!’.” Clammm has been imprisoned for 15-30 years.
Since then, however, the snow has melted fairly naturally with the help of the University Police. “Fredonia is a busy campus, we don’t have time to arrest people for petty crimes that don’t really hurt anybody. Instead, we decided to devote much of our time to make sure the snow melts naturally,” UP spokesperson Ronald Flipperguy said. “Our first course of action was to set up our 24 hour livestream footage of the pile, which we stream over ‘Twitch.tv.’ In fact, the stream has helped raise millions in funds for the school,”
Archeology professor Dr. Jones was on the site when the melting occurred. “As it melted I noticed something shiny in the snow, so I waited for a while until it completely thawed. Now I’m proud to announce that the Archeology Department of Fredonia is in possession of the cup of Jesus Christ. The Holy Grail, if you will.”
Other professors were not so lucky. Professor of biology, Dr. Gringleman said “I thought I’d have the chance to find something I could use to teach my students about cell structure, like a dead animal we could study, but all I found was an alive Psychology major who fell into the snow pile several months ago and froze. I had to bring the poor kid home and warm him up.”
The now moist ground outside of Dods Hall will soon enough be covered again, with winter just around the corner. University Police is already preparing and training new police just to protect the upcoming snow pile.
“We’ve requested that guard towers be built around Dods Hall, and we’re still awaiting approval for the project,” Flipperguy said. “If our mission succeeds, you might see this pile make it to October, or even November next year.”