JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Staff Scallywag
A recent meeting at the UN headquarters has determined that all classes that extend past 5 p.m. are considered a human rights violation. This intense decision has caused the UN Peacekeeping Forces to be on full alert within the U.S. and, more recently, here at Fredonia.
In the middle of Dr. Crepe’s Armed Stage Combat class, at approximately 5:13 p.m., the Peacekeeping Forces forced their way into RAC. Kicking down doors and ziplining through windows, they were determined to stop the class.
“When it happened, it totally threw us all off,” Jenny Morpath, a junior who was present in the class reported afterward. “Dr. Crepe immediately stopped and got into a defensive position with his katana and said ‘Now students, this is the part where I teach you real self-defense!’ He took down four or five soldiers until they finally had him tied down.”
Crepe, a professor at Fredonia for over 40 years, was taken back by the news and refused to stop any of his classes that passed 5 p.m.
Crepe is facing life in prison for the murder of several soldiers and for holding a class that continued after 5 p.m.
The United States Ambassador to the United Nations, Nikki Haley, recently told reporters, “In college, I had a few classes that stretched past 5 p.m. and it always just threw off my whole day. I’m there to have fun, get involved. But no, at 6 I can’t go to a book reading club because I have an economics class.
“I mean, it’s just inhumane forcing a college student to ‘organize their time well.’ Might as well just tell us to ‘drink responsibly’ and ‘study often’ while you’re at it.”
On Wednesday, the UN met with President Virginia Horvath to ensure that no classes past 5 p.m. would continue. It was soon realized that not even she supported this new legislation, and said in the middle of the meeting “If you want to shut down any classes past 5 p.m. at SUNY Fredonia, you’ll have to do it over my dead body.”