DOM MAGISTRO
Guest Scallywag
Fall is here, folks and you know what that means. Pumpkin spice, sweaters, warm blankets, hot chocolate and big, puffy coats. In lieu of this, do not panic. This is not Ghostbusters; the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is not attacking. Despite the concerns of one local student, Fredrick Harrington, there is no “killer marshmallow epidemic.” I braved the elements just like the students wearing heavy parkas to meet Harrington in his dorm room.
Harrington, when asked about his concerns responded in a near-delirious state: “I just can’t believe no one sees the issue here. There are so many little marshmallows just walking around! What are they planning? What do they want from us?”
At a loss for words, I tried to investigate further into this issue. Harrington, from what I could understand between his ragged breaths and fearful stutter, had been walking to class the other day when he first spotted one. A student in a white puffy winter coat had brushed past him on their way to class and he panicked. What had just touched him? An animal? A lab-grown aberration? An eldritch horror? What would happen to him? He was unsure whether or not this “Marshmallow Madness” was contagious or if he was safe.
A week later, more and more students are breaking out the puffy coats and Harrington still is shut in. He and a few other concerned shut-ins refuse to even put on pants for fear of missing some beginnings of the plague. They can be seen galavanting about campus in the middle of winter in basketball shorts and a tee shirt.