Monday, Oct. 15, 2018
2:46 a.m. Trevor FeLemur was arrested for dabbing too hard in a public space. Bail was set to $420.
3:15 p.m. Joe Walkey was arrested for disturbing the peace. He was reported to have been aggressively trying to convince people that Snow White is the best Disney movie. He was proven wrong and sent home to educate himself on good movies.
Tuesday, Oct. 16, 2018
6:47 a.m. Kelsee Lockheart was arrested while cosplaying as David Bowie for “being too fabulous.”
Wednesday, Oct. 17, 2018
10:13 p.m. Police responded immediately to a 9-1-1 call that referred to the murder of an entire party. No charges were pressed as it turned out that annoyed Dungeons and Dragons players called the police on their DM after every single player died during a fight with a lich.
10:32 p.m. Sarah Lawson and Megan Smith were arrested after a verbal fight over whether or not Donald Glover and Childish Gambino were the same person turned violent. Lawson was released when police learned that she had been arguing that they were, indeed, the same person. Smith’s bail was set to $500 for being a dumbass.
Friday, Oct. 19, 2018
University Police are looking into reports of a person who was seen selling marijuana to birds. Eyewitnesses report that he left no tern unstoned. An investigation is on-going.
A burglar left a hole in a university fence. Police are looking into it.
9:23 p.m. H. Ipster was charged with breaking and entering after getting high from snorting pumpkin spice. She reportedly broke into a dorm and decorated for fall and Halloween.
Saturday, Oct. 20, 2018
University Police received a report of a small freshman in a trash can. Upon further investigation, police determined it was only an El Diablo burrito.
Police were called to a residence on Temple Street where someone was reportedly shouting for “Help!” An investigation determined the resident was just calling for their cat named Help.
University Police received a report from a person saying that a squirrel was running in circles on Ring Road and was not sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An officer responded to the scene and when he was driving on Ring Road, he hit the squirrel.