Dear Fairy Godmother,
As you know, Halloween was last week. When I went to the store to buy the finishing touches for my costume, I found that all of the spooky stuff was gone, replaced by the sickening aroma of gingerbread and pine. It wasn’t even November yet. Now, I’m not the biggest fan of Thanksgiving, but skipping two months just seems so stupid. How can I prevent the early arrival of the Christmas season?
Please help,
Grinchy in Grissom
Dear Grinchy,
I, too, hate how the most overrated holiday seems to appear earlier each year. This question is a difficult one as the early arrival of Christmas has everything to do with capitalism and stores using it to market items no one actually needs. Why buy an Elf on the Shelf when there are already creatures in your home that watch your every move? Humans are odd, that’s for sure. But nonetheless, Grinchy, you have to take matters into your own hands with this issue. There are a few different methods I recommend, but some will depend on your level of comfort with handling things such as fire. One less . . . obtuse suggestion includes black ink. Buy some ink in bulk, not overly expensive I assure you, and a squirt gun. Destroy all that holly jolly bullshit to your heart’s content, but make sure you’re a fast runner. Happy Holidays!
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
Do you have any advice for surviving the impending, never-ending winter that everyone keeps talking about? I am from Miami, FL, and have only seen snow on a handful of occasions. Does it really get that bad here?
Please Help,
Scared Snow-less
Dear Scared,
Well, my dear, you won’t be snow-less for long. Winter in western New York is like a rabid raccoon: you never know how it’s going to act and sometimes it appears when it otherwise shouldn’t. Oh, it’s also terrifying like the raccoon. Snow from Lake Erie has the ability to blanket Fredonia in minutes, leaving no time to grab winter coats or salt the sidewalks. In a few hours, the snow consumes all. Roads are gone, sidewalks are a thing of memory. It is only snow. If you live on campus, pray to your deity that someone owns a shovel, else your daily treck will be through Siberian-levels of snow. Make sure to take notes from survivalists in preparation for being snowed-in as it will happen at least once. Water is the most important thing to have. Vodka is a close second. No matter what, remember that winter will end and there is a light at the end of the blinding, snowy tunnel.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother
Dear Fairy Godmother,
How do I tell my parents that I bombed my midterms? College is much harder than I expected and I didn’t study enough. I’m going to tutoring, but I have three big C’s on my record now. I’m freaking out.
Please help,
First Year Stress
Dear First.
Midterm grades do not matter. They exist purely as a way for you to gauge how you’re doing in a class. If this is your first semester, I understand how they could seem daunting, but please keep this in mind. As far as telling your parents, just be honest. Tell them about the extra steps you’re taking to succeed and remind them that even coming to a four-year university is an accomplishment. Keep working hard and those C’s will doubtlessly turn into B’s before you know it. Banish the idea that only A’s are good, that kind of thinking will only hurt you in the long-run. Do your best, it’s all anyone can ask of you.
Sincerely,
Fairy Godmother