DOM MAGISTRO
Special to The Scallion
In a recent, quite frankly expected, turn of events from the Oval Office, the President of the United States, has announced the planned signing of an executive order revoking birthright citizenship for anyone not born to citizens of the United States as well as “anyone who used marriage to grant citizenship to aliens.”
Interestingly enough, Melania Trump used her marriage to Trump in order to get her citizenship. This means that, in addition to thousands of people who have literally never lived in another country, Trump will be revoking his own citizenship.
“The implications of this are actually really significant. The executive order is actually so badly written that one of the lines could be ‘catch them in sneaky nests’ but it also could read ‘catsup is the eat-y best.’ So, we might see an increased presence of ICE, or we might legally have to accept that the best condiment is a vinegar-tomato smoothie,” said political analyst Honey M. Ustard.
Relish lovers rejoice, however, because if he signs this executive order, he will revoke his own citizenship. As we all know (though perhaps he doesn’t) the President of the United States must be a “natural born citizen.” Should he revoke his own citizenship, surely he would have to step down from his position and Mike Pence would become POTUS 46.
Constitutional law major Dustin Whithouse had this to say: “I’m not sure about you, but conversion therapy sounds a lot worse than having to admit the superiority of a condiment. I don’t like the sound of this executive order, so President Cheeto, if you’re reading this, do not sign this executive order. Please. I’m begging you. On behalf of immigrants, myself, and even you.”
The youngest of the Trump-kin Patch, Baron Trump, will also have his citizenship revoked because he would be the child of two people who got their citizenship revoked. Baron Trump does not have citizenship anywhere else, though. He would be one of hundreds, if not thousands, caught in limbo. I’m concerned for the safety of young Baron because of these holding cells for immigrants. He doesn’t deserve this treatment just because of his father’s bad handwriting.
Just a heads up to the CIA, you’ve been rounding up and torturing non-citizens for years, why stop just because a former president is in your jurisdiction?