TRAVIS LEFEVRE and AMBER MATTICE
Editor in Chief and Managing Editor
On the corner of Ring Road and Symphony Circle lies a pile of snow found guilty of a horrendously hilarious accident.
Jon Mason was just leaving class in Thompson to go back to his townhouse, ready to enjoy the rest of the day he had off. His plans went a different direction, however, when a car with a large stack of snow on top made a sharp turn onto Ring Road. The speed and sharp angle sent the snow flying off the roof and, according to sources, Mason “got fucking decked by that snow.”
“Man, that was wicked,” said Peter Mason, Jon’s brother. “I was walking right next to him and when I looked over he was just gone. That is, until I noticed him twitching on the ground from that hit.”
Jon has since been taken to Brooks Memorial Hospital and has been treated for whiplash and intense frostbite. According to sources in the hospital, Jon looked like a real-life Rudolph with how red his nose was due to the cold.
The driver remains at large but according to witness accounts, copycat attacks have occurred on campus, with one individual going so far as to fill the bed of his pickup truck to the brim with snow and other miscellaneous Christmas materials saying, “In America, we celebrate Christmas. No ‘Happy Holidays’ on my watch!”
It seems that what was just an amazing accident that happened by chance has turned into a campus-wide prank, with students waiting for their friends to cut across parking lots or begin their trudge home simply to hit them with snow on the tops of their vehicles.
Some students have even reported using their cars like noble steeds and having jousting-esque snowball fights in the parking lot. Packing their passenger seats full of snow, students have been seen chucking balls of ice at one another in-between classes.
Jon, however, refuses to go anywhere near large piles of snow and has been ducking out of fear (even when there is no one around him) that he will be the victim of this snow-based violence once again.
Peter, thoroughly enjoying his brother’s new found fear of the fluffy winter magic, is in the midst of curating the largest pile of snow on top of his car in the hopes that he can catch his brother of guard.
Jon, if you’re reading this, you better watch out.