JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Staff Scallywag
Recent news announced that an astonishing new curriculum is sweeping the country, and has now arrived at Fredonia after recent news from a Yale study. The curriculum involves weekly exams, so students constantly have to prepare and study. According to the study, massive amounts of students who has never been in the class before would suddenly show up at the final week.
Jeb Crandrinker, Yale researcher, recently stated “We noticed a clear pattern between the week before exams and the attendance rates of students. When students are aware of exams coming up, they tend to actually attend the classes they’re paying for.”
This lead to several colleges taking the first monumental step of ensuring the attendance of students through constant exams.
“Our attendance rate skyrockets before the start of exams. This is no coincidence. We must act upon it, by bringing constant stress to ALL of our students,” said President Virginia Horvath.
Professors are reportedly jumping for joy after hearing the news.
“I’ve put minimal effort into my hole digging class,” Professor Dirtboy said, “I’ve been a hole digging professor for years here. If you know someone who’s dug a hole, they probably learned it from me. But nothing angers me more than when some dirtbag skips my lectures. Little bastards will never learn how to properly dig holes.”
Unfortunately, due to the recent VANM cuts, this hole digging course is being removed, and Professor Dirtboy will be terminated from his position.
Some students have come to accept this new curriculum, while others, such as Brad Protest-questionmark-more-like-no-test-exclamationpoint, are extremely outspoken. Mr. Protest-questionmark-more-like-no-test-exclamationpoint legally changed his name in protest.
“I felt changing my name to a really long name that is a play on the word ‘protest’ would make my point clear. It was totally worth the hassle.” Mr. Protest-questionmark-more-like . . . yeah you get the point.