DOM MAGISTRO
Special to The Scallion
Here at The Scallion, we strive to make sure everyone is filled with holiday cheer. From demanding our Starbucks baristas write “Merry Christmas” on our cups (in lieu of that horrible, godless corporation printing it on for us) to baking cookies, watching Hallmark movies and cuddling under blankets, we ensure that everyone gets just the right amount of Christ in their Yule.
But even we participate in that pagan tradition of receiving gifts from a strange man in a red costume. Unfortunately for one of the students here at Fredonia, letters don’t always make it to the North Pole at all, let alone on time.
While walking through the Reed Library, one of our elves among the shelves came across a lost letter to Santa. We are looking for the author of said letter so that they could pick it up and mail it properly this time. Here is a transcription of that letter:
Dear Santa:
You’ve obviously got my name on your list, so despite my English professor’s obsession with proper greetings in my correspondences both electronic and physical, I will spare you the awkward introduction.
I’ve been so good. Well, I’ve been good enough. I tipped the guy I usually pay to do my homework. I did the projects that I got extensions on. I turned down my music after 10 p.m. I even made sure not to bring any food from Cranston out of Cranston.
That said, I only have a few requests for Christmas this year:
Number one: good grades. I know, I didn’t like study or try, or even do my own homework, but if you could work your polar vortex magic and give me like, I don’t know, a B+ all around this semester, that’d be dope.
Number two: Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. I know I already downloaded an illegal emulator for it on my PC that is definitely for schoolwork and not in any way a gaming PC, but it would be so much better to play Smash Ultimate and main the Piranha Plant.
Number three: the will to live. Dude, finals have been kicking my ass. I just don’t have the time for self care. Or food. Or sleep. Wait, does sleep fall under self care? I don’t know. Anyway, I haven’t slept for days and if you could maybe make me like Sleeping Beauty or something, minus the whole consent nightmare, that’d be appreciated. Granted, sleeping for like a decade isn’t really a valid “will to live,” but like, one or the other.
Number four: A job after graduation. I know it’s a little ways out, but I’ve been keeping an eye on the job market, and oh boy, if I’m not extremely lucky, I’ll wind up living in a cardboard box on the street corner and I can not afford the new homeless rent of getting fined for sleeping anywhere in public.
Thank you so much, Santa. I just know you’ll pull through for me.