JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Staff Scallywag
With finals week so soon, many of us students can feel overworked, exhausted and unprepared for exams. This week is a stressful one, but here at the Scallion, we’ve got some great tips on how to relax and ace all of your final exams. Follow these five pieces of advice very carefully, and we can guarantee you’ll succeed.
1. Feeling stressed while studying? Not sure if you’ll pass and getting more and more worried? Drink a Pepsi™, and you’ll instantly feel like a million bucks. With 30 grams of sugar pulsing through your veins, that stress will immediately go away!
2. Not sure what to study? Unsure of what exactly will be on the exam? No worries! Just go and buy your professor a delicious cup of Pepsi™, and they’ll tell you all the secrets of the exams. After a hearty sip your professor is sure to tell you all the dark secrets and answers to ensure you pass the exam.
3. Unable to sleep because you’re too stressed from the exam? Mind racing with possible failures? Crack open a cold Pepsi™ and instantly feel relieved knowing you’ve been blessed by the delicious and energetic taste of an ice cold Pepsi™.
4. Have you ever had a moment where you realize your scantron doesn’t line up with the answers, and you have to completely restart the quiz? Don’t bother! Instead, grab an ice cold bottle of Pepsi™ and pour that bad boy all over the exam. When the professor glances at you, they’ll notice the ice cold Pepsi™ covering your exam and give you an instant A.
5. Want to go to your exam but realize the ground is covered in ice and you are unable to go to your class because you’d slip and hurt yourself? Well, easy fix! Grab a warm two liter bottle of Pepsi™ and pour the pepsi in front of you as you walk, effectively melting the ice and keeping you safe on your walk to your exam!
Finals can be scary, but following these simple pieces of advice will guarantee you ace your exams, and drink a nice cold Pepsi™ along the way. Don’t fret dear reader, your prayers have been answered by The Scallion.
*The Scallion is not sponsored by Pepsi™
**Please give us a sponsorship