SOPHIA MOORE
Guest to the Scallion
Feb. 2 came and went this year, but thousands were packed into Phil’s temporary home of Gobbler’s Knob anxiously awaiting the groundhog’s decision. His verdict was in, and the crowd celebrated for more weeks of winter.
Unfortunately, Phil might be out of a job. A month after Phil’s fateful judgment, the protest was in full swing. The participants had been waiting for this moment, equipped with t-shirts that read “Not My Groundhog” and “Close the Hole.”
There were a number of colorful, yet effective signs, reading: “Make Groundhogs Great Again,” “The oceans are rising and Phil’s going deeper in his hole,” “Phil’s hole is as deep as big oils pockets” and “I can’t smell the spring roses over all the gas Phil is producing.”
Protesters were eager to give their opinions to the Scallion. This included a woman claiming to be the organizer of “Get Phil Out,” Barbara Bitters, a Nebraska resident who first launched the grassroots campaign four weeks ago.
“Yeah, this whole thing started in my apartment,” she said. “My ex-husband and I heard that Punxsutawney Phil announced six more weeks of winter. Six weeks later, I’m divorced. Punxsutawney Phil is ruining lives and he must be stopped.”
Another protestor, Neil Mimbus, felt as though Phil’s talents would be better suited elsewhere.
“That guy needs to go and leave it to the professionals, like the one in Staten Island, Chuck,” said Mimbus. “You know, I like that guy; he’s a real family man. This Phil clown needs to go back to collecting nuts underground.”
Punxsutawney Phil’s representatives could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous source on his team reached out to our offices. The source claims Phil “has not been himself” and “worried” about Dunkirk Dave, a rival located in western New York, who uses “unorthodox techniques of prediction” to achieve a high level of accuracy. Allegedly, Phil even had his team plant rumors about another rival, Staten Island Chuck, claiming that the groundhog has been replaced and was biting his handlers. Dave and Chuck’s respective reps deny these claims.
After all this madness, Ms. Bitters seems reflective on the ordeal, saying, “He just needs to tell the truth. That’s all we want; the truth.”
Ms. Bitters says she will be watching again from Nebraska next year, ready to come back if he messes up again.
“I’m going to keep fighting until he gets it right,” she said.