Dom Magistro
Staff Scallywag
The Tim Hortons on campus is suffering from a shortage of bagged mac and cheese after a patron refused to leave until having eaten every prepackaged portion of the gooey substance. Gabriel Breeze has single-handedly eaten over 400 servings of macaroni and cheese this week alone.
Erin Piper, a sophomore exercise science major, lamented the lack of carbohydrates available at Tim Hortons: “It’s the only way to carb load that’s low in sugar and high enough in dairy that my lactose intolerant boyfriend won’t steal it on me.”
Piper refused to try bagels or croissants as they “aren’t a full meal.”
“Yeah, I don’t see why this guy can’t just get his mac and cheese from Walmart. If he’s gonna be eating this much, it has to be cheaper to go there and get boxes than make them himself. Maybe then he’d see just how much butter he’s eating,” said Gregory Campbell, a senior graphic design major.
Campbell lives off campus and claims his go-to lunch when he is on campus for the day is a cheesy cup of macaroni from Tim Hortons.
“I don’t really mind. If the dude wants to eat, the dude can eat,” said freshman Brody Turner, slinging his skateboard over his shoulder on his way out of Tim Hortons. “There’s mac and cheese on Friday at Cranston and on Wednesday at Centre Point. I don’t think I can really get mad at a guy who digs mac and cheese, y’feel? Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go break those weird benches between Willies and the library. They ain’t gonna grind themselves.”
University Police has asked if they are needed to remove Gabriel from the premises, but Tim Hortons staff claims it doesn’t matter as long as he’s paying for food and not causing a ruckus.
“I know some people are bummed about not getting any mac and cheese, but at the end of the day, we’re a business and we’ll sell mac and cheese to anyone with legal tender in the United States, and it isn’t a crime to like mac and cheese,” said Tim Hortons cashier Jordan.
The Scallion has reached out to Gabriel Breeze, but has received a response almost solely composed of incomprehensible wet smacking noises.
The shortage is expected to last until Wednesday when an exceptionally large shipment of macaroni and cheese is scheduled to arrive. Tim Hortons will be serving mac and cheese at 11 a.m. on Wednesday.