Monday, April 1
12:30 a.m. Officers responded to a noise complaint in Grissom Hall. After locating the source of the complaint, student Abby Putnam was found with an assortment of dead squirrels arranged in a pentagram. An arrested was completed for using occult methods to perform April Fools pranks
3:27 p.m. A student was found using a homemade flamethrower. According to the student, he was “ridding the campus of the rest of the godforsaken snow.”
6:03 p.m. Multiple reports of paranormal sounds were heard echoing through Reed Library. Upon investigation, officers found a den of students huddled in a corner, hopelessly crying and wailing over finals.
Tuesday, April 2
1:10 p.m. Reports of squirrels wandering Thompson Hall were reported to officers. Multiple attempts were made to capture the rogue rodents, but they travel through the vents and appear to have an arsenal of acorns at their disposal.
5:55 p.m. Officers responded to a call of an aggressive student in McEwen Hall. The student was apprehended after being seen banging her head on the closed cafe screaming “I NEED MY CHAI LATTE YOU FUCKS.”
Friday, April 5
9:05 a.m. A student was arrested near Gregory Hall for beating the mailbox with a jump rope. When brought in for questioning, the student said, “Hey, they haven’t been busy the past couple of days. I thought I’d spice it up a bit.”
10:24 p.m. An Resident Assistant called University Police on what was believed to be a marijuana smell wafting the halls. Upon further investigation, the officer found no evidence and labeled the RA a narc.
11:50 p.m. A man was stopped on Ring Road for a broken tail light. It was later discovered that the tail light in question was just a basketball shoved into the tail light slot. A uniform traffic ticket was issued.
Saturday, April 6
12:15 p.m. A student turned himself in after feeling guilty for smoking marijuana in his residence hall. The RA is still a narc, though.