SOPHIA MOORE
Staff Scallywag
The police have decided they don’t negotiate with journalists. The Police Notters series was officially canceled after a long battle with University Police. Their only response to our inquiry about new information was “We’re not home.” An entire police force claimed they weren’t home, at their job, where they work.
Our writer needed answers so they devised a plan to get them — by setting a small fire in front of Gregory Hall. A small interrogation was held, but this time the writer was asking all the questions. The Scallion obtained a copy of the transcript below:
University Police: Would you like to explain yourself?
Staff Scallywag: Would you?
UP: Explain what? You’re the one who committed a crime.
SS: Maybe so, but you are the one impeding fair and honest journalism by refusing to give the Scallion its Police Notters.
UP: Is that what this was about? You set a garbage fire because of Police Notters.
SS: Don’t make it sound so trivial. You claimed that the entire police force wasn’t home to give us the information.
UP: Listen, we don’t have to give you anything. No one [REDACTED] because it’s in the back. People don’t take it seriously. If you really wanted, you could make it up.
SS: People do too read it. And how dare you imply that anything the Scallion writes is in any way fake or made up by its writers.
UP: Fair enough, but why don’t we get any tips on anything we give you?
SS: You can’t punish us for that. We get the information out there. It’s their job to get back to you.
UP: Sorry we’re not doing it. Can we please talk about the crimes you committed.
SS: Crimes? Plural?
UP: Yeah, there’s the fire you set today and [REDACTED] plus a number of [REDACTED].
SS: I didn’t know you knew about those.
With that, the series was effectively canceled. With only this announcement to serve in its place. There was no 21-gun salute or actual announcement from UP. We ask that you don’t ask about our writer’s alleged crimes during this sensitive time.