DOM MAGISTRO
Staff Scallywag
Welcome back to Fredonia, you disgusting criminals. Willy C’s is open for business now with improved theft-prevention measures. Everything from the ordering method to the floorplan and even the name is designed to prevent you from getting your bag of chips and drink for free, you filthy criminals. There’s no way you could possibly steal food from the university now!
Previously, if you just snuck over to the fruit salad cooler and picked one up, no one could stop you from taking it back to a table and eating it. It was complete anarchy designed for the benefit of the student criminals ripping off the university. That’s ridiculous! It’s unfair and unethical! These changes are long overdue, and I cannot believe it took this long to design such perfect theft-proof dining commons.
The new ordering method ensures your grubby hands never ever touch the food until well after you pay for it. It kills two birds because we can tell you it’s for hygiene reasons, when really it’s to stop you filthy animals from swiping our delicious, fatty, greasy burgers.
You have no chance of robbing us with our new theft-prevention architecture called counters. I bet you think counters are just places to put things, but it’s so much better than that! They guide you and stop you from approaching the food prematurely.
Order the food at the kiosk and pay. Then, if we don’t lose your order, we’ll give it to you when it’s ready. No over-filling our containers to get the most out of our overpriced salads and soups, you get what we say you get and you’ll be happy about it, probably.
The new name makes it sound like you’re stealing from a friend. If you steal from us, then you’re bad and you should feel bad. We know you all just called it Willies before, but now it’s Willy C’s. You probably won’t call it that, but you should feel bad stealing from us since we were generous enough to adapt your name.
Lastly, even if you decide to steal from Willy C’s, despite all of our other brilliant anti-theft measures, the floor plan will stop you. First, good luck getting out through the crowd of people waiting 30 minutes to fill their garbage chutes with our chow, but also, good luck finding a gap between our new, completely pointless walls filling all the previously spacious dining area. What, are you going to just leap over the tables, running the entire length of the room? Good luck!
So go ahead, go wild. I dare you to try stealing from Willy C’s.