DOM MAGISTRO
Assistant Scallion Editor
As we enter the month with the largest number of hurricanes on average, tropical storms become stronger and stronger. This includes the first ever hurricane to reach Category 5, according to President Trump.
In September 2017, Hurricane Irma hit the US, the first of four Category 5 hurricanes to hit the US since Trump took office. Also in September 2017, Maria hit Puerto Rico, an island that Anita would like to remind you is in America now. In October 2018, Hurricane Michael hit Florida. Dorian marks the fourth Category 5 hurricane to hit the US during Trump’s term in office.
Here at the Scallion, we turned to our resident weather expert, Autumn Storms, with news on the current Dorian situation.
“Well, I told you before and I’ll tell you again, no one has ever heard of a flippin’ Category 5 Hurricane. Until today, no one even knew they existed. Especially Trump, who’s mentioned them no fewer than five times in the past three years,” said Storms. “These are unheard of storms. Unthinkable, really. I think Trump did the right thing sending this one to Alabama. It needs some time to mellow out in the hot Alabama sun. No one should get to party that hard in Florida. The destruction these storms cause is really something terrible. If you’ve ever seen pictures of Hurricane Katrina’s aftermath, it’s like that. But I don’t think Katrina was even a Category 5. Sure it was huge, devastating, even, but nothing this bad.”
It’s no question that Category 5 hurricanes have become more and more prevalent in recent times, but NOAA, the EPA and every single one of the many oil executives relying on polluting the atmosphere to make a profit urges you to remember that no one has ever successfully made a direct link to so called climate change and the increased severity of these storms. The rising sea levels might change where they impact, but they assure you, Trump is right. Alabama will be hit by Dorian, and no one has anything to worry about.
Once Dorian gets out of time out, it is free to hit wherever it wants. For the sake of Trump’s accuracy, Dorian is duty-bound to go to Alabama. The devastation it could cause by throwing this tantrum is unacceptable. An extended time-out is possible if Dorian doesn’t shape up and behave itself, but until then, we’re ignorian Dorian.