DOM MAGISTRO
Assistant Scallion Editor
LoGrasso Health Center, Fredonia – Sunday afternoon, James “Barfy” Bartholemew was spotted banging on the door outside LoGrasso clutching at his stomach as a custodian within shook their head, refusing to allow Barfy access to the building.
“Please, I’m very sick. I need help,” begged the student.
The custodian informed the poor boy that LoGrasso Health Center was in fact closed and he could get help for his illness at the hospital.
Suddenly, with a burst of energy, Barfy stood up straight and walked the entire 2.5 miles to Brooks Memorial Hospital.
The official position of the university is anyone who needs help can get it at the hospital, or an actual doctor’s office; the LoGrasso Health center is not there to help you, but for your convenience.
A pair of students rushed over quickly to the building around 2:30 p.m., pulling on the locked doors.
“Well, shit. Guess we’ll have unsafe sex since we’re both poor college students and not having condoms is absolutely not going to stop our extremely high, young adult sex drives,” said one.
As we all know, one of these students should have stocked up on their free condoms before the health center closed at noon.
Roughly 76% of the week, LoGrasso is spent closed, so go get your healthcare somewhere else. If you need counselling, make sure you schedule an appointment with your counselor two weeks before you have a mental breakdown so your appointment will be the day after it happens.
The entire process of getting yourself a check-up is streamlined. Rather than tapping your FredCard like at every other building on campus, you have to type in all of your information on an interface that was designed in the early 1990’s and runs on an operating system from the late ‘80’s. Don’t worry, the list of questions only takes the fastest typist about 15 minutes to complete.
Then, you’ll be on your way to wait another 30 to 40 minutes to be told that your appendix is bursting and there’s nothing they can actually do for you, so just go to Brooks Memorial as fast as your widdle wegs can take you.
The LoGrasso Student Health Center is open from 10 a.m. to noon Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. The Brooks Memorial Hospital in Dunkirk is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The health center can do free testing for STD’s and can give you counselling, but for all other inquiries, go to Brooks Memorial.