ALEXANDRA WALSH
Guest Scallywag
Aquarius:
Check the weather this weekend. I can see a 100% chance of tears in your forecast.
Pisces:
If you’re feeling like you need to go grocery shopping after a full week of eating out … don’t. Go get that four for $4.44
Aries:
This week is going to be super busy for you, Aries. Maybe you need to focus your attention on the person who hasn’t texted you back instead of your six-page paper.
Taurus:
Go get that Starbucks venti iced coffee instead of eating a real meal. It’s okay, your body can survive without food and water.
Gemini:
Do you know what they say about having big feet, Gemini? Big shoes.
Cancer:
Sorry, no horoscope for you.
Leo:
Try to be someone else this week, Leo. It might do you good. Trust me.
Virgo:
We get it, you’re a Virgo … more like a virg-HOE after this weekend. Okurrrr.
Libra:
Happy Libra season. I hope all your stars are aligned and all positive things happen to you, but we know they won’t.
Scorpio:
Have you listened to the new ‘Panini’ remix by Lil Nas X featuring the grilled cheese panini from Tim Hortons?
Sagittarius:
Never fall in love at D.P. Dough … unless it’s with a calzone.
Capricorn:
Hot girl summer is over; it’s THOTumn now. Bust out those fall scented candles, eat some cinnamon spice and go apple picking you goon.