JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Scallion Editor
Twenty candidates for the Democratic ticket for president went head-to-head in June, and it was intense. We’re super late, but here’s some highlights from that debate if you still care.
Arguably the most important person running, Bill de Blasio, probably said something about beating Donald Trump. What a noble statement, like nothing we’ve heard before.
Taking a sidestep to a less important candidate, Joe Biden mentioned at one point that he lost his glasses and crawled around the stage for around 20 minutes looking for them. Luckily, one of the audience members were able to point out to him that he does not in fact where glasses, and led him back to his podium.
Pete Buttegieg mentioned the fact he’s gay again. Honestly, he won me over with this one.
Beto O’Rourke wanted to show off his bilingual skills, but ultimately failed at answering a question in Russian, having never studied Russian. Instead, he just answered with an intensely stereotypical accent and added some letters to the end of words.
Kirsten Gillibrand, John Hickenlooper and a few others said some stuff, but they dropped out of the race like last month, so no need to go back to that.
Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren both ripped off their outer suits to reveal they’re starting a new superhero team, “The Progressives.” They’re like Robin Hood, but the rich people are aware that their money is being taken and have to be ok with it.
Kamala Harris totally destroyed Biden when she said that he, “eats his pizza from back to front, just like Trump.”
Harris is quickly proving that she is a woman NOT to be messed with.
Andrew Yang probably said some stuff, but we couldn’t really hear him. Maybe mic problems, who knows?
Michael Bennet and Eric Swalwell; their names ring a bell but can’t remember exactly who they are. Probably running for president.
Probably forgetting a lot of stuff but hey, can you really blame us? It’s been more than two months. That’s the gist of what went down, we’ll have another one in a couple months about the one in July too.