MATTHEW BAUM
Guest Scallywag
Willy C’s: the goddamn dungeon of overhyped fast food that lurks beneath the Williams Center.
We’re all familiar with the long lines, the disturbing smell of despair and half-furnished basement and the television screen of hypnotic and meaninglessly-color-coded numbers.
But we still go. We still hope for the best, or in the case of that abysmal pit, we hope for edible garbage.
Sophomore museum curation major Sarah Dustin did not feel the same way.
While Guest Scallywag Matthew Baum was praying to whatever gods would listen in order to leave that hellhole with any scrap of his sanity, Dustin was waiting patiently in line, fingers crossed and mouth watering for some cold chicken wings. Dustin was raised in Wirt, N.Y., with a population of 1,166, so to have so many people in one place is “a nice change of pace,” she said.
“I know it’s silly,” Dustin giggled, doing a little happy dance when her number showed up on the screen, “but having food that’s so mediocre reminds me of home.”
Baum, who somehow made it out of that no-mans-land with some of his brain cells still functioning, actually followed the story further. He was able to get on the phone with the town supervisor, sheriff and head chef at the only decent restaurant in the village, Big Billy Squillard. Squillard claimed that room-temperature chicken wings were the most popular dish on the menu at Squilly B’s, and nearly every customer leaves the restaurant with pursed lips and a slight grunt, a sign of incredible praise in the town.
“Yeah, we live a simple life here in Wirt,” Squillard said gruffly, “but to know I’m making the people of my little world the slightest bit more satisfied puts a small grin on my face.”
Dustin volunteered to accept any questions about living a life of pseudo-enjoyment for any forlorn juniors who need a way to get through the next year and change through her email, Dust0555@fredonia.edu.